“In your 20s you think you know everything. In your 30s you find out you know nothing. And in your 40s you realize you’re not perfect and that’s OK.”
~Jennifer Lopez
Several years ago when I was just coming on scene in Boise Idaho as a photographer I discovered the art of another local photographer, Amanda Morgan, aka Ammophotog. Her work has a really cool vibe so I started following her on Facebook. I subsequently found myself included in a local photography group with her and together we displayed our work in the RAW Art Show where we finally met and became friends. Here we are acting silly on the “red carpet.” Since we don’t often find ourselves on the other side of the camera we took the opportunity to really work it! One…two…three…JUMP!
I remember the day a Facebook post from her feed prompted to me to message Amanda to find out more about the underlying message of sadness in her words. Perception is thought-provoking and from my perspective, Amanda came across as a totally cool, super confident, immensely talented, beautiful artist. She’s tall, gorgeous, hip, has striking red hair and just as reflected in her art, she exudes a really cool vibe. Her Facebook posts are funny and witty and once in a while she’ll bare just enough for someone like me to pick up on the fact that maybe there is more brooding behind the façade. So, I asked. Amanda then confided in me that since college she has struggled with depression. She exists between a state of total despair to just merely feeling anxiety and guilt. I was stunned as I would never have guessed but, more importantly, I was surprised she trusted me enough to confide in me. Admittedly, I don’t completely understand clinical depression but I do recognize that it’s something that can be all-consuming and very hard to come out from under and that many people who are depressed are reluctant to seek help.
For a better understanding of living with depression I encourage you to take 11 minutes out of your day to watch this TED talk by comedian Kevin Breel: Confessions of Depressed Comic. Much of what Kevin Breel describes in his video is echoed by Amanda when we finally sat down to talk.
Amanda first experienced depression at the age of 19, after leaving home for college. Knowing it’s normal to feel sad and lonely at first during this time of transition, she realized she was dealing with something more when she couldn’t seem to come out from that cloud of sadness. She felt sad all the time, lonely and lost, it became all consuming like being in a pit and she believed things would never change. In the darkest moments of depression, Amanda describes feeling immense hopelessness, like she’s at the bottom of the ocean, unable to breathe and in complete darkness. In less dark times, when she’s feeling better she has more of an apathetic look towards living. She described her feelings of apathy to me like this “it’s like if I cross the street and get hit by that bus it will be fine.” Her darkest moment was last spring when she was newly divorced, living in a new apartment with no furniture, and got the flu. All she had was a mattress and she decided to stop taking her medication. Her outlook became so bleak she had thoughts of suicide.
Powerful self portrait of Amanda in her wedding dress.
When asked about misperceptions about depression, Amanda confesses that the most exasperating is when people view depression as weakness. Many suggest that she just needs to be positive, change her attitude and count her blessings. She is also frustrated by the comparison of depression to physical diseases such as diabetes or cancer. She says it’s like comparing apples to oranges, “yes depression is an illness that requires medication, but it’s not the same.”
My personal belief is that we all have a cross to bear, something we all suffer for. I also believe that if we can’t come to terms with our suffering and find a way to tap into it to discover the reason for it or the silver lining behind it, then that suffering is in vain. This really is the main purpose of my blog “imprfect”. So when I asked Amanda what the silver lining was to her depression I was impressed when she was receptive to my question and gave me a thoughtful an insightful answer. The bright side of her darkness for her, is that through her depression she is able to truly connect with others who are in the dark but don’t want to acknowledge it. She can relate to them on a deep and personal level and help guide them towards finding light.
For those who, when everything is going right but still find they are consumed in sadness, Amanda advises the most important thing is to find someone to talk to, find a good counselor and don’t isolate yourself. “Depression” she says, “is not a character flaw, it’s okay to go on medication.” Finding the right dose and type of medication is key in treating depression, and it takes a long time to find the right fit. Amanda also advises not to pretend that everything is okay when it isn’t. She describes feeling like it’s a double edge sword, needing to lean on friends but also feeling like a burden. Additionally, Amanda enjoys the blog post Depression – Part Two from Hyperbole and a Half. She says it’s a hilarious parody of depression but at the same time pin-points it.
Amanda thinks Facebook can be detrimental, because what many don’t acknowledge or see are the ten selfies a person took to get the one that looks good enough to post. She has joined in with Operation Beautiful, an uplifting movement to end negative self-talk. As part of the project, Amanda leaves sticky notes on public mirrors with the message “you are beautiful.” She loves the act of giving an anonymous message any woman would want to receive and being sneaky about it. She particularly enjoys hearing a woman’s reaction to her note from behind the door of a bathroom stall. She says, no one can help but to smile when receiving that message.
Amanda, aka Ammophotog is an extremely talented photographer on many levels, from fine art photography to family and senior portraits. I tend to gravitate towards artists who bare a part of their soul in their work, which is why I was initially drawn to her. But where I think her art transforms and really speaks is through her artistic self portraits…not to be confused with selfies. They are honest, beautiful and fantastically raw.
“Dragging Along the Past”
From Ammo’s levitation series.
To see more of Amanda’s work, visit her website: http://www.ammophotog.com
Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/theammophotog/?pnref=lhc
Finally, Amanda wants people to know that there is hope. She’s in a different place than she was just even a year ago. She has joy in her life and is thankful for her amazing family. She has wonderful and supportive friends and a boyfriend who is tremendously caring. She says that depression has its ups and down and she’s thankful to report she’s definitely up these days. She wants to express how thankful she is for the people in her life and the things happening in her life.
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emailRecently a friend told me I needed to trust myself. I didn’t understand what that meant at first, so being the over-thinker that I am, I’ve been mulling it over. Last night as I stared at the ceiling, wide awake, consumed with uncertainty and fear a memory from my childhood came to mind.
I was on a hike in the Colorado mountains one summer as a little girl. We had to cross a shallow but rapidly moving and wide stream. I wasn’t the first to cross nor the last, those who went ahead made it across just fine. Our leader told me not to worry and to just take it slow. His words got in my head. I wasn’t worried until he told me not to be, then all I could think was “what if…” What if I lose my footing? What if I get swept away by the current? What if I drown? What if I die??? Suddenly making it across the stream became monumental! I couldn’t get the “what if I fall” out of my head. I proceeded with caution and half-way through, with nothing but doubt swirling around in my mind and cold water swirling around my feet, I was overcome by fear. Instead of looking ahead to safety, I became consumed with the water rushing past me, it made me dizzy and unable to focus. And then the worst happened, I lost my footing and fell into the water. It was so cold!!! The current, however, was not nearly as strong as I perceived it to be. But that hadn’t registered in my overwrought mind yet, as all I could immediately comprehend was that my fear had become my reality. I was now laying down in the stream totally freaking out! Slowly, I came to realized the water I was in was only about 10 inches deep and I wasn’t going anywhere! I was totally fine! I didn’t even come close to drowning or dying…or even being swept away. I was basically just laying there in the stream, wet and cold for nothing and making quite a spectacle of myself in the process. The leader of my group came to me, helped me up and walked me the rest of the way across. It was embarrassing. I felt like a total idiot because everyone else made it across no problem. I was the only one who threw myself into the water and panicked. If only I had trusted myself…
At this point in life I find myself figuratively in the middle of a rapidly moving stream. I can see my destination, the sure footed ground ahead. In fact, it’s a beautiful sight, lush and green. I can smell the pine trees and feel the warmth of the sun. But when I just look down to the place where I presently stand, at my very cold feet, all I can see are torrents of water rushing by me. It makes me dizzy and I feel fear creeping in. But now, instead of whispering “what if” to myself I am going to choose “trust yourself” and then lift my head and turn my gaze forward. Instead of throwing myself into the abyss of uncertainty I will proceed one unsure step at a time, until I am on solid ground. I will do this not only for me, but for those behind me watching who will need to make trek across next.
Take a moment to watch this short youtube video:Everything you ever wanted is on the other side of fear
My task for you, is that wherever you are going, whatever your goals are, big or small, trust yourself. Trust yourself first as a parent, in your new job, in your relationships with a significant other or with your friends and family. Trust yourself to make the decisions that are right for you, right here and now. Trust yourself first and those around you will witness your confidence and will know that not only can they trust you, they can learn to trust themselves too. Fear is natural and in many ways it’s good! Fear can definitely protect us from getting hurt but irrational fear can become a self-fulfilling prophecy that will ultimately keep us from experiencing life’s many adventures…if we don’t trust ourselves to handle it. So know that you don’t have to give into it, you don’t have to throw yourself down into the abyss. Giving into irrational fear will often humble you as you realize that whatever it is that is holding you back is really quite shallow in the whole scheme of things. Trust yourself.
Keep moving forward. Forge your path. Live fearlessly. Trust yourself.
“What does fear taste like? Success. I have accomplished nothing without a little taste of fear in my mouth.” ~Beyonce
sharetweetpinemail“Why did she suddenly, at the last second, turn her gaze away from the camera? Often, people Vera photographed asked her how she wanted to look or stand-should they comb their hair or put on another dress? She told them they should do whatever made them feel comfortable. As much as she liked a photo that captured an unconscious moment, she also appreciated the formality of the pose. … People talked about the truth as being something you had to steal when the subject was unaware. The phrase was, after all, ‘taking a picture.’ But the truth was as much in the way a woman arranged her hair or rubbed a stain off her child’s chin before allowing the picture to be taken. The truth was often a performance of an idea of truth” -from the book Mary Coin by Marisa Silver
sharetweetpinemailHave you ever had one of these days?
Hmmm…that’s a stupid question. Of course you have! We all have had one of THOSE days…you know the kind where everything goes wrong and you finally come to a point where you throw your head back and cry! The important question is, how do you turn it around?
Here are some things I have found work for me:
1. Friends…always seek out a friend. Girlfriends are especially good at crying with you or if you need it, and they’re true friends, they’ll give you a gentle slap and tell you to get over yourself.
2. Swing. Go to a park and get on a freakin’ swing! I know it might sound silly, so if you happen to have some minions with you, bring them along, make it a race and kick ass! But even if you don’t, who cares! Get on that swing, lean your head back, let your hair hang, stretch out your legs and SOAR!!!! This is great for releasing every problem, at least temporarily.
3. Obviously a manicure and pedicure are named the way they are for a reason…they cure pretty much everything.
4. A magazine and a hot bath. I personally like celebrity gossip magazines, they often make me realize MY problems are not all that bad. And the Kardashians are always good for an “O.M.G!!!”
5. Quiet bookstore perusing…might work for some.
6. An arcade! Find one with the vintage games, you know the kind you grew up playing; Centipede, PacMan, Astroids and a good ole pinball machine will turn that frown upside down!
7. Try a new exercise class…yoga, dance, aerial yoga, barre, orange theory, TRX, spin! I am getting excited just typing this! There are so many new forms of “exercise” and many studios will offer the first class free! Go crazy!!!
8. Crank up Black Keys on Pandora and dance!!! Black Keys on Pandora is my personal favorite but Rolling Stones are good too, or the Bee GEES!!! ….am I aging myself here?
9. The driving range. Even if you don’t golf, the golf course will let you borrow a driver and for a few bucks you can get a huge bucket of balls. Swing and miss and laugh at yourself. Then keep swinging and eventually you will connect with a great smack and you’ll watch that ball FLY!!! You will then know and feel deep inside that YOU are a total bad-ass and problems have nothing on ya!!!
10. Go out for lunch or dinner or if your bad day starts early, breakfast. Let someone else cook for you and wait on you, pour you a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. Maybe bring a book and read! When is the last time you just sat by yourself, at a table with a glass of wine and read? Do it!!! Get a sitter and just do it!!!
11. Speaking of wine, I personally believe that by adding in a glass or two to any of the above it will increase the speed of which things turn around. Just be careful on the swing…that could bring on a whole new set of problems.
Now tell ME, since I know you have experience with this as well, leave a comment with your best “turn that bad day around” method!
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